Monday, April 25, 2011

A Letter to my Hetero Friends

Questions I frequently get asked:

"How do 2 girls have sex together?"

"When Lesbians dance, who takes the male lead, and who takes the female role?"

"Who's the 'guy' in your relationship?"

I don't get offended at these questions, but I often find myself shocked at the ignorance, and not really knowing how to respond. I think a lot of people just haven't been around queer folks, so I end up as the spokesperson, which is a bit ridiculous, because I can't speak for all queer folks. But I can speak to you about MY experience as a queer person, and answer all your questions with the following short piece of writing...

BELOW FIND YE THE ANSWER!!!!!!..............

There is no answer to these questions. Just by simply asking those questions means that you are attempting to take a mainstream hetero paradigm, and apply it to the queer one. It doesn't make sense. It's apples and oranges. It's like asking, "If I add up 2 and 3, what color do I get?"

In being hetero, there are established ways of doing things. There are ways to have sex, ways to dress, ways to date, ways to speak, or basically ways to relate to one another and to relate as a couple to society. And, there is a binary. There is "masculine," and "feminine," a top and a bottom, a giver and receiver.

In being queer, there are no rules. Because "queerness" is not accepted as valid in society, we have no history of established protocol on how to do things. There is no established way to have sex. There is no established way to dance. Thus, we make it up as we go along. It's incredibly liberating. We do what feels good, and that is going to be completely different for each individual. You can ask me what I do with my life, but I can't speak for anyone else.

"So you're bisexual?"


What is "queer," you might ask...

When I have a girlfriend people assume I'm gay. When I have had boyfriends people assume I'm straight. This is odd to me. I call myself "queer," because it is vague. It allows me to be who I am, sometimes a woman, sometimes a man, sometimes a top, sometimes a bottom, sometimes goggly-gaggly-lala-woo-hoo. Sometimes I eschew all labels. Other times I like to play around with different labels and different roles. Underlying all of my fluid preferences, my Self is beyond all of it anyway.

For the sake of the ignorant, I am "bisexual." However, this term is becoming archaic (queer is now in vogue), and does not take into account trans folks. It is an inherently gender binary-focused term, so I don't call myself that.

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