Sexual Energy

Just the other day, I performed an ancestral meditation under poor circumstances and judgment, ending up in a nasty headspace. On Fathers’ Day, I wanted to do a ritual calling in the Grandfathers, the ol' dzia dzias, while meditating on masculinity and my favorite Slavic deity, Jarilo, whose time is now, around the summer solstice.

Now, ever since Niko’s flesh-hook suspension rebirth ritual, two weeks back, my libido has been returned to me with forceful intensity, yet more focused intention. Before this Fathers’ Day ritual, an inner voice whispered a firm firmly to me to not masturbate and get off before doing the ritual. Feeling like a selfish child, I disregarded the voice because I didn't want to wait.

Post-orgasm, I felt like overcooked noodles, just no energy or motivation, as if I had used up my sexual power. Nonetheless, I continued on with the ritual, and ended up in a very zapped, sad, and depressed space for a day and a half.

For the ritual itself, I acted out a dream vision that was very vague, instead of waiting for more dreams or signs. I only later the  following morning received a little more of it. I should have waited, since I didn't even know what it was I should be doing. Nonetheless, I acted out my specific vision:

            6/17/12 3am. Dream image: A girl with a wreath of green leaves around her head. She is dressed in white and holding a small basket with three eggs inside.

            The waking ritual went as follows:

            I dressed as a girl in white, with a white skirt and blouse, even going so far as to make a head garland of green vines cut from the backyard, worn around my head. Then, I brought in two hard-boiled eggs, lit some incense, and said a blessing-greeting to all my grandfathers. After making an offering of salt, I ate one of the eggs and lay down with my eyes closed, open to receive anything from the grandfathers. I drifted into a luminal state, thinking about the masculine in my ancestry, feeling resistance and fear of emerging. The need to be seen, validated, and to prove one’s worthiness led to intense feelings of sadness and frustration.

            The next day, Katrina (Davenport/Dreamer) and I were chatting about the use and timing of one's sexual energy while involved with working with ritual and spiritual realms. Katrina asked: “How much sexual energy should we hold and how much should we release? What is the right balance? How is it best handled in ritual? ” At the time, I felt confused; it felt comically inappropriate to go meeting my ancestors while horny, nut at the same time, that raw, life-force erotic is precisely what propels me into the transcendent.

            We genderqueers don't fuck to unite the masculine and feminine. We fuck to crack worlds open—to merge the animal and divine, our birthright.